The Perfect Woman
© Jerry A.G. Ericsson 8/23/2000
All of my life, it seems, I have traveled this great land searching for that right woman. You know the kind of which I speak, one who, while not the most beautiful woman on earth, is it the top five-hundred, while not the most intelligent on earth, is among the top one-thousand, while not the most pleasant person in the world, numbers within the top one hundred-thousand.
Then
one day, exactly five days past the day I gave up my search, five days into my
long trip home, five days in my retreat to reality, where one accepts a person
for whom they are, five days – just five simple days and there she was, leaving
the City of Thunder Head, as I entered.
Oh, my friend, I can tell you that while she was not perhaps the most
beautiful woman in the world, she was the most beautiful woman I had in all my
life seen. While she was not the most
intelligent person in the world, she was the most intelligent that I ever met
in my short life span of twenty-one years.
While she was not the most pleasant woman in the world, she was the most
pleasant person who I had ever met.
We
met, we spoke we fell in love.
Five
days later, I ask her to be my wife, and to my dismay I learned she was already
married. Married, to the most arrogant,
most hateful, most despicable person in the entire world. It was not that she loved her husband, but
she was married to him never the less, to the most pleasant, intelligent
beautiful woman I had ever met, that was everything. She could not, nay, would not leave her husband. “After all” she said, “I agreed to marry
him, and he agreed to allow my father to keep his heavily mortgaged business.”
Oh!
Woh is me! One so wonderful could do no
less then stand by such a bargain, for after all to do any other, she would not
be the wonderful person whom I had fallen totally in love with.
What
to do in this situation, my heart was so broken that I could hardly think. That probably was the reason that I came up
with such an impossible solution to such a tremendous problem, for would it not
be so, my logical mind would have rejected such a plan when it first entered my
head, in favor of one that made more sense.
My
plan was simple; I would lure her husband the banker to a quiet place in the
nearby forest, and try to reason with him.
If he would not be reasoned with, then I would simply have to kill him,
and make the murder look like a botched kidnapping. Oh it was a simple plan all right, but my love would hear nothing
of violence, for she was so perfect in every way that she could not understand
that this would end our painful separation, and allow us to live on in total
happiness.
After
arguing with my wonderful beautiful pleasant love for several hours, I agreed
to drop my plan, and wait one more week to see if there were some way she could
talk him into releasing her from the forced marriage. I knew it would never happen, for I knew what a horrible person
her husband was. Not that I had ever met him, for you see, she simply would not
allow this, but from her description, and being the most wonderful woman I had
ever met, I knew she could not – would not ever lie to me about something so
important to the two of us.
That
evening, I decided that despite having promised my newfound love that I would
wait, instead I would proceed with my murderous plan.
The
next morning, I called her husband’s bank, and asked to speak with him. Being the president of the bank, I needed a
good reason to tell his secretary. The
best reason I could come up with was a totally incredible lie, but you see, my
head was swimming so with unrequited love that thinking straight was not within
me. When he got on the phone, I
introduced myself as a developer, interested in developing a piece of property
into a residential neighborhood. I told
him that it would involve a considerable sum of money, and that if he were
interested, I could use his bank as the local banking firm to handle the
transaction. He took the bait and
agreed to meet with me at the property location.
A
few hours later, he showed up at the agreed to location, parked his black
sports car on the side of the road behind mine. I told him that the location was just off the road to the north,
and lead him back into the woods. The
rest was simple, I retrieved the old Army .45 automatic that I had picked up in
the local pawnshop from my belt, turned and shot him squarely between his
eyes. This part of the mission
completed, I dragged his lifeless body a few yards further back in the woods,
and dropped it into the shallow grave that I dug just hours ago. I quickly covered the body with dirt, then
took a rake that I brought to the site earlier, and raked the leaves and brush
over the grave until I couldn’t tell that the area had been disturbed, and it
blended into the background perfectly.
Then I walked back to where the shooting had taken place, and retrieved
the spent cartridge case from the ground, and with the rake, covered the blood
and footprints so it looked like the surrounding rubble. Then I got into his sports car, and drove it
to the old railroad pond
back
in the woods, near town and pushed it into the deep water, where I hoped it
would remain for many years. This work
completed, I returned to my car, and drove back into town, as though nothing
had happened.
The
next morning, I placed a ransom call to his lovely wife, disguising my voice so
as not to alert her, in case there was anyone else present. Then I sat back and turned on the TV. I tuned it into the local radio station, and
while the days programming scrolled by, the voice on the radio talked of school
lunch menus, and what was being served in the local eateries. Within minuets the announcer interrupted his
regularly scheduled programming with this breaking news. The local bank president had been kidnapped. The local police were turning the case over
to the FBI, in hopes of a quick solution to the crime.
I
couldn’t have been five minutes until the knock at my motel room door broke my
thoughts. I walked to the door, and to
my surprise, there stood a police officer gun in hand. He quickly informed me of my rights, then
placed me under arrest for Felony Murder.
Seems there are bears in those woods, curious bears, bears who know how
to dig, and among the woods and bears, there are boy scouts in those woods, boy
scouts who notify police when they discover shallow graves uncovered by curious
bears. How could I know that my lovely find had caller ID! How could I know that this most beautiful,
most pleasant, most intelligent woman whom I had ever in my life was also
mostly in love with the Chief of Police, who’s arms she was in when my ransom
call came in.
Now,
as I walk down that final mile, to the death chamber, a priest at one elbow,
the warden at the other, I can’t seem to get that simple announcement in
today’s paper out of my mind, the one that announced the happy marriage of the
Police Chief to the most rich widow of the local Banker.